I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
