The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
