Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
In America we eat man semen.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
