I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
