Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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