You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
