I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize