We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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