no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
