Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
