I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
