No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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