I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
