This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
