Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
