So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize