Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
