she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
