We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
