So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
