Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ladies don't puke and tell
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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