The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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