He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
