Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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