once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
