I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize