i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
