cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
