good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
