Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He felt like a one man threesome
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
