She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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