This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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