Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
