found the other keg... it's in the tree
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
