Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
