yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
