I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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