just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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