At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
