It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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