Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
