# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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