You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
