this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
