grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
