**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
