I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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