My friends, they love my intelligence
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I am spending my child support on dildos
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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