I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
