The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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