I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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