Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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