why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
