Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
