Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
