How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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