my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
