dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You ruined the universe
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
