Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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