last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
